I seem to find myself ensnared in this thing called worry. The worry sin. It is mixed with a little fear, a little doubt. Those in and of themselves are not bad, in fact they can be the emotions that spur me on to new places, new depths of understanding, new confidences. But worry. How it drains. It creeps in during the deepest, darkest points of night. It awakens me from the rest so desperately needed. It stirs my mind and thoughts go astray. The fatigue, the stress, the frustration alter the course of the morning yet to come. The days feel long and the words are not encouraging, loving or grace filled. The sweet daughter, the one with so much compassion and the gift of mercy, gently whispers to me, “Mom, why so much worry? Relax. Tomorrow will come and you can do some more. Today is good.” God uses her to speak truth and rebuke to me. It stings. Yet, at the same time, it warms my heart. This young lady I have raised. She relates to her heavenly Father with complete openness and abandon. Life is full of hope and tomorrows. She sees beauty all around her. She knows the darkness that exists, but she chooses the light and joy.
Most of what I worry about I can not change. Much of what I worry about has already happened-it is Satan’s tool-regret. Again, I can not change what has already happened. The life I live is blessed. Not easy. Not void of hardships or heartache. It is not full of material possessions and financial freedom. None the less it is blessed. She, my mercy girl, reminds me. She reminds me as we drive down the road. I see traffic, I see the clock ticking. She sees the single wild flower blooming in the median. She sees the young child laughing in the car next to us. She sees hope and anticipation of joy as we approach our next activity. And I pray. I pray that I can regain my child like faith. I pray I can believe the God who redeemed me can redeem my lost moments, my squandered time and the not meant to be veers off the path to His purpose for me. I pray He gives me the desire and the strength to keep going, no matter what. I pray to believe, as Holly Gerth so eloquently put it in You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream, “But whatever purpose God has for your dream, he will bring it to pass. Your job is to not quit no matter what happens. god will take care of the rest.” I pray she will hold firm to her God given gift and always choose the light and joy. I pray she will continue to speak truth, in her gentle and quiet way.
The worry sin. It is the thorn in my flesh. It is the sin I do not let go of. I know I am not alone. But that does not make it ok. I can not squander the night with worry. I can not squander the day with worry. There is too much to be done. The worry sin. It turns my attention to the dark, to the mistakes, to the irritants. Trust. Faith. Those illuminate the dark. They force my attention on the future and a hope. It is my choice.