I looked at my husband through eyes filled with tears. “I can’t do this any more. I have nothing-I only hear the message, ‘You are not enough'”. In that moment I felt drained. I honestly felt like any ability to extend grace, love generously, even think, was gone. I had two discontent teenage daughters pecking at me, I had not been able to take care of something my husband needed done, I had received a message I wasn’t spending enough time with my mother, I had not called my mother-in-law and thanked her enough for Christmas (according to my father-in-law), I was behind on laundry, I was out of groceries, and my business had not met my expectations for the month. The day before I had also received a call asking that I take a large leadership role in a ministry engaging women in our state. While I desperately wanted to serve in this way, to engage again in ministering to women through a structured ministry, I knew beyond question my answer at this time was to be “No.” It wasn’t what I wanted the answer to be. In fact, I wanted to ignore what I knew to be true and say “Yes.” I was disheartened by the clear direction to say “No”.
It was a melt down moment. There was nothing my husband could do. There were no “Sorry mom” statements big enough. There was no deleting the messages. The only way to say “Yes” was to act in disobedience. With wisdom my husband simply took the girls on to their respective activities, never saying a word. And I, well I was left to fall into a puddle of what felt like complete overwhelm and despair.
Frankly, I wasn’t in the mood to talk to God. I didn’t know what to pray. Yet, I didn’t want to be angry. I didn’t want to feel defeated. Joy. That was supposed to be my word for the year. Only weeks into the new year and Joy felt like a universe away. As I sat there motionless, empty, 2 Corinthians 12: 9 began to play through my mind. “My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect (complete) in weakness.”
I am not enough. That is the truth. I can not do it all. I can not, in my own strength, be all I need to be. I am not enough. I am not complete. There was nothing to do in that moment but to release the emotions and lean into His grace-grace that is sufficient for me. A part of obedience is not only doing the stuff, but it is the letting go and leaning in. It is the acknowledging. It is the accepting. I am not enough. The message didn’t need to be defeating-that’s what Satan would like. The message simply needed to be an accepted truth that would prompt me to act in obedience, leaning into Him, His grace, allowing Him to complete me, to strengthen me.
” I am not enough, but His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.” That is the message I need to let run through my mind. That is the truth.