I love organization. I love having the sense that my life is in order and therefore I am able to serve. I love having the sense of peace and calm that comes from being in an uncluttered environment. I love that God is a God of order and even in the creation story we see His deliberate order. I love order. I have always loved order. I have to admit though, that often, and especially in my early days, order was a means of control. I worked so hard to have order, keep order, because I was striving to please, to be good enough, to succeed. Those aren’t in and of themselves bad reasons, but they aren’t the best of reasons. I often hid hurt, sorrow, frustration, disappointment behind my order. I often let keeping order keep me busy so I didn’t have to participate or deal with some things. Isn’t it funny how things in our life that can be really good things can become walls, keeping others out and keeping us from living abundantly and freely?! Striving to do something in an attempt to get something really does nothing more than exhaust us.
There are days when I look back over the course of my adult life and get discouraged, saddened by the course of events, most out of my control. My parents divorced, an array of hardships resulting from that for all of us. Financial strains of family members and my husband and I trying to fix those or provide, often beyond our means. Getting married to have two different family members live with us in the first year and half of marriage. Paul’s mother being diagnosed with brain cancer and passing on within our fourth year of marriage. Six years of infertility. A difficult and complicated pregnancy resulting in the loss of a set of identical twins and the live birth of beautiful fraternal twin girls. My husband facing the suicide of two good friends. Mixed in with that the normal ups and downs. Losing grandparents. Beginning new businesses. Having those not so great days in marriage and in parenting.
Sadly through most of it I spent a lot of time striving. Striving to get through it the way I thought all good Christian girls were supposed to. Striving to keep myself from falling apart. Striving to keep others out of our business so as to avoid the inadvertent harsh remarks. Striving. This same striving often led to my rushing decisions and trying to work “ahead” of God. This same striving often caused me to lose focus on what was most important and even caused me to lose my compassion for others. Striving stress became a way of life.
It is a long story, over the course of about 6 years, but God has shown me that relinquishing rest comes only from Him and comes ONLY when I quit striving. I can’t rush God’s work. I can’t fix things for others, and often I can’t even fix them for myself. My life is intertwined with others and at times their choices, their decisions, their God given direction changes the course of my direction, my life, my plans. I don’t understand. At times it seems unfair. But this I have learned-no amount of striving, attempts at putting everything in order, creating order out of chaos will change anything. It may serve as a band-aid for a moment or a time, but it will always lead to exhaustion.
I don’t know if it is this way for you or not, but when God has a message for me and I am slow in taking it in, or need the affirmation of hearing it over and over, He does just that. I find myself daily running into the message, the story, the characters-whatever it may be. Mary and Martha have been that for me the past 7-8 months. A common story and one women often read, but seldom really understand. The scripture isn’t about comparing these two sisters. It isn’t about making one more right than the other, but gosh do we women love to go there. This story is about striving stress and relinquishing rest. This story is about two sisters, who when living life together, embracing one another’s strengths and weaknesses, were able to serve our Lord in their home, trust Him for their brother’s healing/resurrection and accept Him as Lord before most even understood who He was. Martha was not chastised for her preparations and her organizational skills. She was gently reminded that there was a time to stop. There is a time to set aside the “doing” and rest in the moment. I have no doubt Mary had been helping Martha. Now, I don’t doubt Mary was the baby sister and didn’t give her housekeeping and organizational work the same effort big sister Martha did, but I still believe she helped her sister. However, once Jesus arrived, Mary decided that what had been prepared was good enough and it was time to take enjoy her company, to learn from the Master. Martha couldn’t let go. She couldn’t quit striving. I think her motives were pure-she wanted Jesus to have the very best. She wanted it all to be just perfect. But that is where the truth lies. We are not perfect. We can not strive enough to become perfect. He knows. He sees. He created us. He wants us in our less than perfect state. He wants to spend time with us teaching us, encouraging us, growing us, changing us, bringing our image closer to His image. Mary got it. She knew when to let go and let God.
I love these sisters. I love that God is using their story to alter the course of my story. I love that even now, thousands of years later, I can learn from Mary and Martha. I know I would have been drawn to them. I know I would have love being in their home. I am working on my striving. I’m still in love with order, with organization, but I’m working really hard on doing it for the right reasons. I want to manage my time, so that God can order my days. I want to be faithful with that He has placed on my plate today, so I am ready for the task He gives me tomorrow. I want to relinquish control and use my gifts and talents to draw others to Him. My home plays a BIG part in that plan. Letting go plays a BIG part in that plan. From striving stress to relinquishing rest.